WEEK 11 - STEP NINE
[To the person reading this out: at the end of the talk you will ask someone to read the
promises from p83-84 of the Big Book, so ask someone to do it before the meeting
starts.]
This week we are considering Step Nine: Made direct amends to such people and when
wrong, promptly admitted it
Reading: p76-84.
As no two amends are precisely the same, it is very difficult to apply the principles without
help from someone else who has experience of this step. Also, many of the amends we are
considering will inevitably be connected with a lot of emotion for us, and we find it difficult
to see the way ahead objectively. For this reason, it was suggested to us most strongly that if
possible we speak to someone, ideally our sponsor before approaching anyone we have
harmed.
We are told in the Big Book that getting sober in itself does not constitute making
amends for past harm done. It just means that we stop causing any more harm. The Big Book
says on page 82 about an alcoholic and Step Nine: �Certainly he must stay sober, but�we
feel a man is unthinking when he says sobriety is enough.�
Also, we never bring anyone into the process who would be damaged by our
disclosures unless we have sought their permission first. As it says on page 80: �Before
taking drastic action which might implicate other people, we secure their consent.�
The amends we have to make are likely to be for harms that fall into one or more of
three types: emotional harm, debts and finally,
crimes. Some may involve elements of more
than one of these things.
CONSIDERING FIRST EMOTIONAL HARM DONE:
This is likely to include family and friends (some of them now former friends). The aim in
making amends for emotional harm done, is to make them feel good about themselves � not
as some of us thought, to make them like or admire us.
The general approach is as follows:
Beforehand, we are told, we pray for guidance and for strength to do the right thing.
-
On page 78 we are told: �Telling him what we are trying to do, we make no bones about
our drinking.�
So, what we do then, is to explain that we have had a drinking problem
and that we are going through the programme of recovery of Alcoholics Anonymous.
- Also it says: �Tell him that we will never get over our drinking until we have done our
utmost to straighten out our past.� This means that we tell them that the AA programme
requires us thoroughly to examine our past, and wherever we have harmed anyone, we
are required to make amends.
It is important that we remember that the purpose of the two points so far is to explain the
reason for our approach. We are doing it because AA has suggested that it is the right thing to
do in order to get over our drinking. We are not saying these things in order to get sympathy
or to use our alcoholism to excuse what have done. It is important that AA gets the credit for
what we are doing, and not us.
-
Then the book says:�We� confess our former ill feeling and express our regret.� and
�His faults are not discussed. We stick to our own.� This indicates that we explain the
harm we did and express regret for any former ill feeling. Contrast our harms done with a
positive account of their deeds and their behaviour. Indicate that they did not deserve the
treatment they received. Build them up, praise them.
-
The book says: �A remorseful mumbling that we are sorry won�t fit the bill at all.� And
in the example of a man making amends to his wife, it was suggested that he �ask for forgiveness�. So, that�s just what we do, we say to them: �Please forgive me.� Note, we
ask for forgiveness. We do not demand it. If they are unable to forgive us, then we must
understand. Some will not be able to forgive us for what we have done.
We found that it is often a good idea to use our own words to get the message across.
However, we took care not to use AA jargon or �psychobabble�. Phrases such as �a day at a
time�, �the Big Book�, �pressing buttons�, �hitting your knees�, �on the programme�, have a
resonance for those within the fellowship, but to those outside the fellowship are meaningless
and pat, so we avoided using them. Other useful points are:
- A personal approach is usually better than a written letter �we are trying to make direct
amends. We do write, however, if we are sure that it would cause the person we approach
real distress to see us in the flesh.
- We don�t approach old girlfriends or boyfriends unless we are sure they are still single.
Our arrival could cause embarrassment and difficulties to current relationships. Even then
it is often wise to be cautious about making an approach and to seek advice. Sometimes
the hope of reawakening romantic adventures with former heartthrobs can be so great that
it can distract us from proper consideration of their well-being.
- But it can be good idea to approach or write a letter to estranged spouses and partners if
there are children involved. Though, to stress again, counsel should be sought before
doing such a thing. We have had good experiences with these amends. This is true
particularly in cases where we are excluded access from the children. In this case, we
outlined that in addition we would like to make an amends to our children, but make it
clear that the final decision as to whether we get a chance to do so rests with the former
partner. We assure them that we will not make any further effort to contact them unless
we hear from them first. Then we wait. Sometimes no response comes, sometimes it
comes, but it might be after several months.
- If the person we have harmed has died, we made an amends by saying a prayer that
contains the sentiments expressed before.
- If we were unable to trace someone after making a reasonable attempt then we said a
prayer and did nothing further. However, if subsequently we happen to bump into them
we must grab the opportunity. This means that we must think about what we would say if
we were able to see them, just in case. It is surprising how often such coincidental
meetings do occur.
In regard to debts and crimes, this is where it really is most important to take advice from
sponsors before we do anything. There are no hard and fast rules and there are too many
different possible situations to go through them all. If anyone listening is worried about what
they might have to do, then there are a number of points to make. Very few of us have led the
lives of saints before coming to AA. In Step Eight we became willing to make amends, so
none of us made any step nine amends that we were not willing to do. No one in AA is forced
to do anything. We were perhaps in some cases feeling a little hesitant inside as we did it, but
we were not unwilling � in other words we were freely choosing to follow the directions.
Sometimes it is right to make an approach and sometimes it is right not to and just let the
matter rest. It is worth remembering what the Big Book says here: �Usually there are others
involved� we would not be the hasty and foolish martyr who would needlessly sacrifice
others�� Our sponsors will guide us and often restraint and discretion are the watchwords.
As long as we are open to that guidance, we will get the benefits of this step. The miracles
will happen and we will be free of the past. This is what is on offer to all of us. Like all the
other steps, step nine is one of recovery, not of suffering. Just to emphasise the point, I have
asked ����� to read out what the Big Book promises will happen to us before we are
even half way through our step nine [the promises are read out].
Thank you. That is the end of our talk for today. Now I am pleased to hand over to [Name]
who will disclose to us in a general way, what it was like, what happened, and what it is like
now.